The Forbidden Kingdom

So I watched The Forbidden Kingdom about 2 weeks ago and....only reason why it took me so long to write a review is because I just realised there are people out there that are actually PRAISING this movie.


Don't get me wrong here. The movie has everything needed to be great! I mean you have Jackie Chan and Jet Li and you know it's gonna be full of kungfu shite and stuff. Shaolin monks are probably having a mass wanking orgy right up in their temples in the mountains while watching Jackie execute the drunken fist. Wooooooo....


Then you have 2 hot girls with small choochiis.






















See...wear so low cut still no cleavage...noob. hahahaha...well there was that fight scene at the end between these actresses though. And you know that you do not sleep, no matter how boring a movie can get, when there is a fight scene between two girls. Because if you pray hard and make a pact with the Devil/God that you will lay off the porn for a week, chances are that you might see the 2 girls tearing off each other's clothes................before they start making out. Cool. Lesbian cat-fights. I like.


Another great reason to catch this movie is because of the inclusion of Shang Tsung. Now if you don't know who Shang Tsung is chances are that you're a girl....or gay....or both.

All real men have watched Shang Tsung kick ass in Mortal Kombat during some time in their life. Who can forget executing Fatalities in the arcade when they were young? You know...

FINISH HIM!!!

front front back back punch and you whoop your oppoenent's head off.

This is Sub-zero ripping off Scorpion's head with spine still attached and all. Classic Fatality.

This is Shang Tsung's fatality finishing move..where he extracts the soul of his victim. Super cool.

So yeah there was Shang Tsung.....only in this movie he was known as the Jade Warlord.

And that's where it all goes downhill with this movie. Jade Warlord (you see I refuse to use the name Shang Tsung anymore in this sentence because Shang Tsung is too cool) died in a couple of minutes at the end fight scene........because he got stabbed by a Jade toothpick or some sort.

You heard me right...The end boss died because of a toothpick. This would never happen to Shang Tsung and you know it!

And how can anyone bear to watch Jackie Chan and Jet Li converse in English? Well I can. Cos I've beared 3 years of listening to the exact same Mandarino+English when I was in uni. But still it was horrible, torturing even. Heck I would rather get pushed down a flight of stairs then to listen to that again.

And and...why must Jet Li be playing the monkey guy?

I thought Jet was all about the cool and ruthless kungfu hero...you know..in Fearless? And Cradle to the Grave and such? All of a sudden he has to play a monkey who makes funny faces and noises. Dude that's not cool. It's scary even.

Anyway if you ignore everything that I mentioned above, it's still quite a nice movie................if you have brain damage that is. Hoho